Getting It Together!

By Kate Forest, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Pennsylvania.

The season of Family Travel is approaching. And while you may dream of smiling faces at theme parks, family sing a-longs in the car, and warm get-togethers at the homes of loved-ones, think again. Family trips have the uncanny way of becoming so exhausting that you wonder why you bothered to venture beyond a five block radius of your house. But never fear: here are a few tips, things learned from some trial and mostly error that will help keep the Travail out of Travel.

1) Clear Your Camera
Make sure to download all the pictures from your digital camera before you bring it on your trip. Even though the memory card holds 1846 pictures, it’s probably full. That’s because you have not erased it since two Halloweens ago. (That was the year your daughter wanted to be a chicken and you spent hours with a glue gun and white feathers. There’s still a feather stuck to the kitchen table; it will never come off.)
As you download the pictures, you will quickly discover that your nine-year-old had taken approximately two hundred and twelve pictures of his Lego structures. Some of them are quite good: maybe a burgeoning architect? Now you have a decision to make. You can: A) Delete all of the Lego pictures; surely he has forgotten about them by now. But of course you risk that in a month from now he will ask about the photos and when he finds out they are gone, he will scream that he hates you and will never forgive you and then he’ll run upstairs and slam the door to his room. Twice. Or you can: B) Recognize all the hard work he put into the Lego creations and spend all night printing out the pictures onto expensive quality photo paper, organize them in a scrap book and present it to him. At which point he will casually accept it and say “Oh yeah, I was just messing around.”
Don’t worry: either way, you’ll forget to pack your camera.

2) Dealing with your Bed-Wetter.
You will explain that you will be visiting friends and staying at a hotel, so you will not have access to a washing machine, nor do you want to replace a hotel mattress. She will nod with sage-like understanding. You will go on to explain that you will be packing Pull-ups, and she must wear them. “Of course” she answers. Go on to clarify that the pull-ups must be worn for the entire night and not to be removed when the mood strikes, at say 2:00 AM, about 15 minutes before she wets the bed.
Remember to bring duct tape.

3) Pack Snacks
Before you leave, set aside plenty of time to prepare healthy snacks: cut-up vegetables, fruit and sandwiches on whole-grain bread. Of course, these will not be eaten. Instead, when you stop for gas and a potty break at one of the many inviting rest stops that adorn our great highways, the smell of trans-fat, sugar and food dyes will stimulate your olfactory bulb. This will cause an involuntary reflex in your arm which will make you reach for your wallet and spend large amounts of money buying junk food.
After eating your fast food in the car, be sure hide the wrappers, because the friend you are visiting is a vegan, volunteers at an organic farm and only bakes carob and wheat germ cookies.
Make sure you pack baby-wipes so you can make a vain attempt to wipe the blue food-coloring from your children’s faces, though it will linger for days.

4) To DVD or Not to DVD?
A portable DVD player can provide hours of anesthesia to juvenile passengers in the back seat, if dosed correctly. Here are some guidelines:
-Choose movies everyone likes (which means no one likes them).
-Bring educational DVD’s, especially one about the place you are visiting. This one will end up on the floor scratched/cracked or covered in sticky goo.
-Forbid movies with any violence (even the Tom and Jerry ones you love).
-Forbid movies with squeaky songs that make you want to stick pins in your ears.
-Deal with any disagreements about the DVD player (whose side is it on, that it’s too loud/too quiet etc) by stating “When I was young we played the license plate game or just stared out the window” Then threaten to take it away.
-Hide it when you get to your friend’s house because her children only play with toys hand-made of natural materials and she doesn’t own a television.

5) A House Guest and a Fish
We all remember Ben Franklin’s warning about overstaying your welcome. Here are some steps to prevent your welcome from being even more shortened by following this advice:
-Instruct your children not to make gagging noises when served a meal by your host.
-Don’t turn the shower on until you are sure the shower curtain is tucked into the tub, the bath mat is in place, and you know how to turn it off (but that’s a story for a different time).
-Be sure to bring a gift, something that you can claim is unique to your hometown. Your host will accept it graciously, and then you’ll find one just like it sitting in her living room.

6) Staying at a Hotel
When you go to check in your room will not be ready. Stand at the reception desk with your tired, dirty, hungry, whiney children for about three minutes. Your room will now be ready.
When you enter the room, remind your children that they may not pull on the drapes, the floor lamps, or the artwork. Make sure they understand may not have races in the bathroom to see who can fill his/her double sink up first. They may not order room service, valet service or pay-per-view movies. They will of course ignore you and attempt to do all of these things.
There will be two “double beds,” which are really only the size of two singles. Glancing at your spouse, quickly call sharing with the younger child. When you win, gloat about how much more room you will have and how comfortable you will be. Be happy and comfortable, until about 2:00 AM, when she wets the bed.

Vow that next time you go on vacation, you will leave the kids home with your parents.

Enjoy your trip!

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